#62 – Altered Reality

May is National Mental Health Month, and as this is something that not just hits close to home for me, it IS my home more or less. I have been debating doing this particular post for a while now, and  had always decided to wait, because this is one of, if not THE most personally public posts I have ever done. This seemed like a good a time as any, so here goes.

In my early 30’s I was diagnosed with what is called Dissociative Identity Disorder – Not Otherwise Specified ( DiD – NOS ).  

” Dissociative identity disorder (DID) is a severe condition in which two or more distinct identities, or personality states, are present in—and alternately take control of—an individual. Some people describe this as an experience of possession. The person also experiences memory loss that is too extensive to be explained by ordinary forgetfulness.”

While the diagnosis gave it a name, it is not something I was unaware of, as I had known my whole life, at least past the age of 6, that there was more than one ” me ” in my head. Growing up I had talked about the ” other ” thoughts that I was having and would usually be told that ” oh we all have thoughts like that ” and so I spent most of my younger life under the belief that what I was experiencing was in fact normal. 

Once I started to realize that what I was experiencing was in fact NOT normal, I started trying to explain it to those I was close to. This usually lead to being looked at like I had 4 heads and those people making their exit stage left. I quickly learned to just stop talking about it, but not talking about it did not make it go away, it just made it alot harder to explain the behavior that others simply saw as one person having some serious mood swings as well as other alternating and often times conflicting actions and thoughts to those they may have just expressed a day or even an hour before. 

Several months ago, I ” came out ” to a close friend and for the first time, I was not looked at as if I had four heads. They did not exit stage right, or left. They stood there and they still remain there, helping me see that life does not have to be what it once was. I have since come out to others close to me, and gradually increased that circle as the active alters in my system began having a more active role in social circles. This is no longer a secret that we keep. It is not one that, until this post, we have ever broadcast openly, but it is not one that we hide either. We all have our own friendships and social circles both in world and out, tho there is at times some overlap between them. For most of our lives until recently, everyone had always interacted in world AS ” Nakari “. Just as in the real world we have always interacted with others as ONE person. It was what we knew. Now , at least in world, we all are able to have separate ” bodies ” and this has helped us all to be able to express ourselves more openly AS ourselves, and be able to explore and experience life, as an individual instead of as the system. It has not been without its bumps and I am sure we will have may more to come,there is alot of trial and error, but we are getting better. 


For more information please consider checking out the National Alliance of Mental Illness ( NAMI ) website.

 https://www.nami.org/Learn-More/Mental-Health-Conditions/Dissociative-Disorders/Overview

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